*Fight Or Die Trying*

It seems like I have forgotten how to live. I have also battled my whole life, but at the moment I was diagnosed with PTSD everything changed. It was like being handed a life sentence.

As I go about my day every moment my brain never lets me forget about my disorder. I USED to be able to live prior to the constant medicine changes & attempts at different approaches to therapy. My depersonalization has gotten 50 times worse. Trying to do simple things..are becoming more challenging.

As I was sitting with my Husband and kids eating dinner I looked up into the sky. Thinking about how peaceful Heaven must be. Wondering why I have come this far and have regressed so severely.Wishing my brain wasn’t so fucked up. At that moment I thought to myself I can FIGHT or die trying..For I was already dying mentally here on Earth anyway. I understand why my brothers left..and my last remaining brother tried to commit suicide 2 weeks ago.

I feel helpless and upset about all the money my husband works so hard for spent on my mental health. I feel like a heavy burden. Behind on all our bills..To keep me in therapy, and pay bill collectors for the mental health bills we couldn’t keep up payments with. I don’t feel like I am making any progress. I start actual TREATMENT Monday (EMDR & Biofeedback). I have been going to therapy for CBT, DBT & ACT for a few years but it will take a lifetime for someone with my history of trauma to recover. While I learning coping skills, it’s not actually TREATING me.

After being booted from state medical care my husbands company was forced to get insurance. Over $1,000 a month for my husband, kids and I. But I NEED it I am on so many meds for PTSD and have to visit my Psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks because I take a benzo. I found a therapist in my area that does EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which is supposed to help greatly

My former Psychiatrist told me after reading my files from therapy “The fact that I am alive is truly a miracle” but why? Why am I alive after so many suicide attempts? I am hoping that I am here for a purpose. Since having kids they and my husband are the reason I am STILL here. I couldn’t leave them and cause them to have PTSD..Like I said..PTSD IS a life sentence.

PTSD is taking precious moments away from me. Trying to watch my kids play and being disrupted by intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, triggers, etc. Looking right at my son while in a daydream and him saying “Did you see that Mom!!??” Excitedly. And having to tell him “No” It breaks my heart that I can’t be the Mom I always dreamed I would be because my head is ALWAYS flooded with SHIT!

I will fight or die trying because I love my Husband and Kids THAT much. When I want to give up I remember how far I’ve come. I need to take things ONE day, moment..second at a time. God give me strength PLEASE.

– LJ


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