So much has happened since I have last written. Things that are truly indescribable!! Monday I started with a new therapist as I had mentioned I was going too. She is TRULY amazing and is on the same page with me. We did some bilateral stimulation (EMDR) which I continue doing daily via youtube videos.
I have been on an endless quest most of my life to FIND a way to put an end to having PTSD..I FINALLY found it!!
After my session with the therapist Monday I was inspired to dig in a different direction for answers. A lot of what my therapist said really STUCK in my head and I researched and hung on every word she said. I came across a man named Dr. Henry Grayson. Author of “use your body to heal your mind” among other books. At THAT moment I felt like I had unlocked the KEY to HEALING my PTSD! I did a bunch of research on Dr. Grayson, watched almost every youtube video he had. Everything made sense!!!!
As I continue bilateral stimulation music EVERY day. It has blown my mind!! I have never had such a sense of PEACE in my body and brain. Usually a victim to intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, depersonalization, sound sensitivity, etc… It was greatly diminished. I went out for my son’s birthday to a LOUD arcade. Usually overloaded and anxious it didn’t bother me one bit! The MOST amazing part was I felt like I was THERE!!! No longer watching my life like a movie, no longer feeling detached. I felt ALIVE!
I was speaking to someone the other day and I told them I have PTSD, It felt weird saying that cause I don’t feel like I do anymore. I have been making amazing progress. I think it’s fair for me to say I “Had” PTSD or I am “being treated” for PTSD. I don’t want to hold on to the label of I HAVE. How do you get rid of something if you keep telling yourself it’s still there?
The craziest thing happened to me the other night. I had a dream I was back in my Dads old house where my trauma first began. In my dream I was walking through the house in 2016 with a therapist. The therapist walked me into every room of the house showing me that that house I experienced trauma in was GONE. The flashbacks in my brain of the house were stuck in the 1980’s. She walked me room to room showing me all the changes that had be updated to the house. My dream was very very vivid as if I was standing in the house. After a full conversation and in a way desensitizing me she looked at me and said “The house that you were traumatized in no longer exists” In my dream I felt a huge mental release.
I woke up after that dream blown away, seriously!! I tried to picture my Dads house as it was in the 80’s. But my mind just showed me as an adult standing in the house surrounded by boxes. EVERYTHING was packed up in the background. I decided to make peace with my past. I visualized an hour long conversation with the 4 year old girl within me. We sat by the stairs in the house surrounded by boxes. I gave her love and comfort. I told her she could be at peace because she had an amazing life ahead of her. I cried for her. I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her everything was going to be OK.
I felt peace after that imaginary meeting with my former self. This ALL totally may sound strange but it is very true. What happened is something I CAN’T explain, but I have waited 33 years for it.