I Am Not A Therapist…YET!!

I have been on this Earth for 37 years, of most I spent trying to understand what my problem was mentally. I am not a therapist….YET! But I plan to be. I started showings signs of PTSD when I was 4, when I was being molested I remember the first moment of my life when I “detached” I floated above my body and watched what was happening as if I was watching a movie. I’ve battled with depersonalization (DP) since that moment…which mine stemmed from having PTSD. Even up until the beginning of January 2016 I dealt with it. I know I sound like a broken record, but “How to use your body to heal your mind” by Dr Henry Grayson was that “A Ha!!” Moment. I have been told by my skeptical Psychiatrist my PTSD symptoms were GONE! I have unlocked so much in my journey to understand and heal from PTSD. My desire is to become a Trauma Therapist to help others, no matter how long it takes!

I remember being in 1st grade and having my 1st panic attack in class. I got locked in the bathroom in my classroom. I started shaking, crying, screaming in pure panic. I remember the sound of the chairs screeching on the floor as others came to my rescue. In 2nd grade I had another panic attack. My Teacher had left the classroom, I went into full panic mode, crying, begging some one to bring me to the nurse because I didn’t understand what was happening. As I laid on the floor surrounded by classmates looking at me terrified my Teacher came back. I was so relieved!! But she stormed over to me…MAD!! I tried to get comfort from her, but she pushed me away and told me to sit down. She went to the front of the class and told EVERYONE the story of “a little boy that cried wolf”. I was already upset but realizing she thought I did it as a joke was humiliating and HURT. Half way through the story my mind drifted into “what I did was not normal” from THAT day forward I hid everything out of fear of being embarrassed. I didn’t officially get diagnosed with PTSD until 2014.

I SUFFERED in silence most of my life. When I got in to my 20’s it got almost unbearable. My brother D had took his own life. He was the ONLY person in my life that understood my mental struggles..cause he had them too. I ended up driving myself to a hospital and told the staff I was suicidal. They brought me into a Psych ward and I sat there in a padded room being videotaped. The Doctor said I had panic attacks, depression and OCD. I had gone to the Hospital cause going outside was terrifying. Several times I would sit down and hold onto the grass because I thought the Earth was going to flip, I would drive at night with the sun visor down to avoid seeing the moon. I told the Doctor this…they didn’t catch it. The Doctor gave me Paxil and sent me on my way, for years it was Doctors trying to peel back layers to see the cause. I was frustrated I was seeking help and nobody knew what to do with me. They just would medicate it away and hope for the best. ALL my symptoms I gave them ALL pointed clearly to PTSD, HOW could they miss that!!!!????!!

I had accepted it is what it is…I just figured I would just have to live like that. Until I had my oldest son in 2009. I was affecting me greatly, so I figured I’d give finding out the answer another shot. I sat in a Psychiatrist office with my husband feeling brave and hopeful. I came clean about my intrusive thoughts, triggers, flashbacks, nightmares..She NEVER mentioned for a single second that I might have PTSD. She looked at my husband and said I needed to go into a mental hospital for a few weeks. My husband and I up and left. The shame once again came back full force. Realizing there was something more I continued to dig for YEARS while I continued to battle every second of everyday. I researched mental disorders from A-Z. PTSD came up, I was almost quick to dismiss it because I thought PTSD was only Military related. But it was my last option, so I clicked the link. I was so relieved and started crying, I HAD my answer! I made an appointment with a therapist, I told the receptionist I thought I had PTSD. Went in therapy, the therapist confirmed my suspicion. I also had it verified by a Psychiatrist.

I started going to therapy EVERY week, I had my answer and wanted to be fixed! The therapist started doing CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which I have heard over and over was the only form of treatment. But I got worse!! Even ending up in the mental hospital as mentioned on previous blog “Mental Hospital Madness” I was spiraling out of control FAST, Thinking the only way it would away was when I died, I did consider suicide. But I love my husband and 2 little boys too much to ever act on it. I continued to dig and dig and dig, I was NOT going down without a fight, I vowed I would search for how to be healed from PTSD until my last breath.

The top trauma specialist in the WORLD Bessel Van Der Kolk (google him!) states that CBT is not effective in PTSD patients because PTSD is NOT a cognitive issue. Why is CBT the first thing every therapist was suggesting? I didn’t want to talk about my trauma over and over again, have a bunch of pills thrown at me. I searched deeper I wanted treatment NOT a band aid. I wanted the PTSD to GO AWAY! I found in my research about EMDR, Biofeedback, EFT, Etc.. Actual TREATMENT! I am soo soo inspired to be a trauma therapist. My therapist is AMAZING, I want to be just like her. She’s real, she cares, she takes her time with each appointment no matter how long the session runs, she knows her stuff.

In the meantime I help others anyway I can with what I know. If I can overcome PTSD YOU CAN TOO!! Stay strong and feel free to contact me with any questions.

-LJ

 

You HAVE to WANT to Change!!

I have made amazing progress, I am beyond happy! With years of research paying off, my Therapist Sher, Dr. Henry Grayson and help from the Lord I have had a drastic change in less than a month. You HAVE to WANT change! There was never once in my 33 years with PTSD and severe Depersonalization that I just decided to accept it, felt like it YES…but never did. 33 years later it ALL paid off.

After losing my brothers L and D I have prepared years ago about my last remaining brother J. I have always prayed for J, tried to help him anyway I could. I am not a therapist. But I have the knowledge from overcoming my own battle to know what works and what doesn’t. My brother J has been diagnosed with PTSD, he turned to drugs when I was 14 and NEVER went back. I texted my brother offering all the help I can give him. Giving him thanks for all his love and protection over me when I was little. I told him how much I Love Him. I awaited for a text message, and I got it. He replied “I will be dead within 20 days” my heart broke in a million pieces. He tried to commit suicide last month. He was nearly on his last breath when my Mom found him and saved him. I replied with words of encouragement that change IS possible…I’m proof of that.

Actual message from my brother J

Other than trying to give him unconditional love and support I don’t know what to do anymore. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. No matter how many years I put into helping him I will NEVER give up trying. As my therapist described the childhood my siblings and I had as “feral” I couldn’t agree more. The reason I survived my childhood was because I had my Grandma. She was my Mom, My Dad, My EVERYTHING. My brothers and sister had nobody. My Grandma ALWAYS gave them love and did everything she could to help them. But they were never receptive. With a lot of love, prayer and determination I have WON my battle with PTSD.

In Doctor Henry Graysons book “How to use your mind to heal your body” the info is MIND BLOWING! Not just for PTSD, DP, but LIFE in general. That BOOK was a key to unlock all the ways to win my battle. I assure you, no matter what you are going through it CAN help you. You MUST want to change, nobody can do it for you. The book teaches different techniques to overcome whatever your battle is. I took that book and branched off and researched it, even taking it to the next step and have been researching and studying quantum physics.

I can only do what my brother will allow me to do to help him. I will never give up trying. I have been so inspired by so many different people over the course of my 33 year journey ALL I want is to help others. I have future plans to do online college course for psychology. My goal is to be a Trauma Therapist specializing in EMDR, EFT and actual forms of TREATMENT. I don’t care how long that dream takes, I WILL make it happen. For others like me, I know the struggles with PTSD and I KNOW how to overcome it. I know how it feels to have the weight of the World removed from my shoulders. Dr Henry Grayson states in his book “use your body to heal your mind” the number  1 cause of  death in America is medical intervention. I talked to my Psychatrist about helping me wean off of ALL my meds. She bucked me on that idea. While medication has helped me while I found my answer, I no longer need it. Can you imagine how many side effects I will remove from what I have exposed my body too for the past 14 years? I really hope this blog helps others as I prayed it will. Stay Strong and NEVER give up. If you’re reading this, if your breathing it’s not to late to WANT to change.

• LJ

*My Pyschiatrist Appointment*

I went to my Psychiatrist appointment today super excited that any symptoms I had of PTSD have been healed. My Dr was stuck in traffic and a half hour late for our appointment. While I was waiting another patient of my Doctors came in. She went to the front desk to check in. The receptionist handed her a clipboard to fill out. The patient got a shock as she grabbed it. She leans in to the receptionist and says “Maybe shock therapy will work for me” laughing. She sat next to me looking for my reaction. I didn’t respond. Why? Because in a desperate attempt to keep my brother D alive and try and help his brain, they gave him shock therapy. I waited in the room with my Mom as my Brother was taken in. Anything that D experienced I did as well. We were so in sync with each other. I always KNEW when something was wrong with him, I even knew he died before my Mom told me. I was alone in the house, I sat down and downloaded “Daniel” by Elton John. I sat there CRYING hysterically looking at the sky. I felt it, he was gone. Due to the  horrific living situation I was in me having a phone or access to one was banned.

I sat down to dinner at the house with the bastard that held me there. His phone rang. He spoke for a second and handed the phone to me and said it was my Mom. I felt sick! My Mom told me my brother successfully committed suicide. I knew it was true but didn’t want to believe her, so I called my sister in law my brothers wife. She confirmed he was gone. The time they put on the death certificate was the exact SAME time I sat in the room, downloaded “Daniel”

Back to today in the office, the woman that made the comment about shock therapy had no clue. No clue that I saw my brother after he had it done, he was disoriented and drooling. I had brought my book by Dr Henry Grayson with me to my appointment, excited to reveal all I’ve learned and that I truly believed the PTSD I had was gone. The woman asked me what I was going in for, a bit nervy but my chance to share what I learned from Dr Grayson book “How to use your body to heal your mind” for it was truly a miracle for me. I started telling her about the amazing experience I had, to be cut off with “I hope I get the right meds this time. I’ve battled this disorder since I was 27 and I’m 47 now. She totally disregarded the book on my lap could help her, even HEAL HER. Just then my psychiatrist calls me in.

Sitting in my Doctors office I’m super excited to share with her how I’ve HEALED. She asked me how everything was and I blurted it out “I truly believe the PTSD and DP I had is gone” gone after 33 Years. She was stunned and tried to throw a few things back at me to disprove it WASN’T. Well, I’m not one to battle with cause I’m Sicilian, I’ll always win! She listened to me carefully and said “I don’t want to say your PTSD is fully gone just yet, but you’ve had amazing healing for sure” I also have OCD. Then she says “PTSD is healed mostly through therapy, BUT OCD doesn’t respond to therapy so I’ll need meds for life” I was shocked. Really? The past 33 years PTSD has been the most debilitating thing for me. NOT the OCD!! Before I started any sort of meds it was the PTSD and depersonalization that haunted me. I took it for what it was worth. She printed me a script for lorazepam before I left.

It was such an eye opening experience, the woman at the Doctors office, and my Doctor herself. Henry Grayson states in his book “How to use your body to heal your mind” the LEADING CAUSE of death in the United States is MEDICAL INTERVENTION!!! Taking pills can help, but they are a band aid. People just want a quick fix any way they can get it. More than half of my life I’ve read endless books about PTSD,DP,OCD,Etc.. googled info.. Dug up any info I could and studied it! I have been told by 2 previous therapists that I “know more than them” after that shocking revelation I went digging I FINALLY found a therapist, one that I longed for, I KNEW she could help me and she has and continues too. After meeting her, learning of Dr Henry Grayson, and having my PTSD healed I have finally realized the dream I want to pursue is to become a therapist  specializing in PTSD and anything that stems from it such as Depersonalization. After 33 years I put the puzzle pieces together. I got to where I am, being healed cause I was tired of the battle. I was tired of talking about it, reliving it EVERY SINGLE SESSION. Dr Henry Grayson states talk therapy does more harm than good, it makes those old wounds worse. I didn’t want to put my life in somebody else’s hands, so I didn’t. All my research paid off. I’m Free of PTSD and DP.

Years of digging up info on my own, and endless hours of reading paid off!

• LJ

When You’re Going Through Hell….

They say when you going through to keep going because you will get out of it. I NEVER thought after being stuck in Hell since I was an infant that I would get out of it..and ALIVE..But I DID. After 37 years on this Earth I slammed the door shut on that portal to Hell! I can remember the past if I want, and do so with no emotions attached. I have taken any positive memories and often think of them, replacing the traumatic ones. The best times in my life were with my Grandma, she was my Mom, My Dad, My best pal, she was everything to me. Next month will be 1 year since Jesus took her home to Heaven..Very much where she belongs cause she truly was an angel on Earth.

Last Thursday I had surgery on a few medical procedures on my nose. At times like these are when I was the most thankful I had depersonalization. But after being a few weeks free of DP and PTSD symptoms my ability to detach was Completely GONE! I tried to put on a brave face for husband and kids, but I broke down. Where once I would completely detach and go into survival mode, I became ALIVE and couldn’t. I did all the surgery prep as I was present in my body. I could feel the stiffness of the hospital gown, the warm from a blanket a nurse had given me, I felt the iv and other meds being administered as I was being prepped to be rolled into surgery. I felt a peace. Not gonna lie I attempted to detach several times..but I couldn’t. At that moment I realized I became REAL.

The Hospital staff was amazing, my DR had told the staff I had PTSD so they were extremely loving with me. I did expect to have a panic attack or go bananas in one way or another…but I DIDN’T! I woke up peacefully from surgery and remained calm during recovery. Prior to surgery I started reading a book “How to use your body to heal your mind” by Dr Henry Grayson. From mental health to physical…every answer I’ve search for to unlock the secrets..Dr Graysons book was literally being handed the key I have Prayed for ALL my life. Not only am I experiencing the mental aspect but the physical. A surgery that takes a “week or two” to heal or up to a month. I was completely healed within 2 days, off painkillers, functioning feeling better than ever. Mentally I was healed, and with help from Dr Grayson and Bilateral stimulation provided by my therapist I made AMAZING progress.

Today I took my kids out and about, I was calm and felt peaceful. I had a few times today that I felt my brain shift which I know so well what means for me..it was an intrusive thought trying to hijack my brain. I felt what my brain was doing, but horrific images never came about. I simply acknowleged the feeling and let it float away on a cloud. I have grown up as far back as I can remember being tortured by them, prior to medical intervention and therapy I was having them more 50 times a day. In Dr Graysons he states that medical intervention is the Number 1 cause of death in America. I think back to all the meds Doctors tried to throw at me to see what would stick, From Zoloft, Lexapro, Zyprexa, Thorazine, Geodon, Vistaril, Klonopin, Lorazepam, etc and etc. for 2 years I became a guinea pig. Adding meds, raising meds, decreasing, all the bullshit of meds. 2 times I was admitted to the nut house against my will. I went from taking 7 medications a day down to 3! And low doses. I know I will be off all meds this year cause it’s not the meds I need. I don’t need a band aide when I have all the aswers from Dr Grayson that has PROVEN amazing results in less than 2 weeks.

My life as I know it now, is where I’ve always begged the Lord to bring all my life. It’s been a LONG hard journey. But it was worth it. Now that I live, I can use the power within me to be HEALED. I have gone from reading “How to use your body to heal your mind” by Dr Henry Grayson to studying it. You can search for Dr Henry Grayson on Youtube..or google him. Your mind WILL be blown. Its time for us to know the secret to healing and how to use the power we have. If you’re breathing..it’s NOT to late. It’s time to LIVE!

I never thought this would be MY post…Never Ever Ever..But it IS and I Pray this post can help many others too.

XO- LJ