Medicate Me…

****Trigger Warning****

meds

Is there anything worse than having PTSD? Yes, there is. There are the endless medications my Psychiatrist would like to try on me to make me feel normal. The more “drugs” she gives me the more I feel like an addict. “Take narcotic meds they are okay temporarily” but what happens when that “temporary” turns into years? Are they making sure I am addicted? Because I am. What will life be like for me? I entrusted the care of my mentally ill brain into the hands of Doctors..Bet big pharma is loving there payday cause my Doctors pump me full of SHIT. I am not as fucked up as I think I am, I try and work hard to earn my healing..healing from damage that was done by others. I live life with floaters in my eyes because “prozac” keeps me alive..How is that living?? Taking and “Antipsychotic” keeps my symptoms at bay..But I have gained 40 pounds from them. Even though I lost the weight what are these medications doing to my insides?? Just one more pill, “you’re not on that many..5 for having Complex PTSD isn’t a lot” I am trying to heal mentally. By the time my brain is healed the side effects of medicines will consume me…as if they don’t already!? There was a classic moment when I asked my Psychiatrist “Why people with Mental Illnesses have a 20 year shorter life span?” She replied with “Oh, people commit suicide, do drugs or smoke and that’s why…It’s not from medication” My ass it isn’t!!

I usually start to rebel when my doctor wants to pump me full of meds, I go on strike and stop taking them..or I take them as I FEEL are needed.I haven’t fought to live just to die from medicine side effects! I know meds help, I CAN’T bash them..but in my case I feel so torn. Take 5 meds or deal with PTSD symptoms..Which is the lesser of the two evils? It’s a sad choice I have to make. I am not a guinea pig..I am a Wife, Mom, Sister, Friend..I am just me. Or a ghost of someone I thought I was supposed to be. I am a shell of a human, a medicine cabinet on 2 really nice legs..Humanize me PLEASE! I can’t even count the side effects from all my medications..they are endless. I already experienced tardive dyskinesia from antipsychotics. I am ready to devote my life to holistic medicine, because my bosy has been through enough trauma. I want to be around for my kids!! When I look back on my life it will be a blur, precious time is being taken away from me. Oh, you’re vomiting from Rexulti? Just take a lower dose you will be fine. Zyprexa making you fat? Just eat less.

Back in February I was told to STOP Prozac completely because the dose was to high. I was on 80mg..I ended up in the hospital from a serotonin overdose. Guess what dose I am on again? 80mg’s..Like a sitting duck waiting to see if this increase will help or HINDER me? This vicious cycle needs to STOP! I can’t have someone getting rich off of my mental illnesses!! I have been SUED, you read that right SUED by those that swore they would do all they could to help me. Because I wanted to pay them $20 a month instead of $200 SUED!! It IS a fucked up ass backwards World we live in. I need to take it one step..one pill at at time. It’s hard to see a happy future, but I will prevail. I am not the person my Psychiatrist medicates me to be.

  • LJ
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