My childhood made me a better person..Not what you would expect from a child so wounded with trauma. I was born from pure evil..My Mom & my Dad. From the moment I was born I was a fighter, when I should have been a statistic like 2 of my brothers that died tragically and my last remaining brother with one foot in the grave…I’m not. When I was a newborn and living with my parents a fire broke out in the house I lived in. To this day I don’t know exactly who caused it, but my house was burnt to the ground. I was told by family what happened that day, and how I should have died..but I didn’t. My Mom was home with my siblings and I when a fire broke out. The firefighters came and stood on the street in front of the house. My Mom stood there crying with my siblings..and me still inside. My Grandma asked where I was and my Mom said she “forgot where she put me”. My Grandma had the firefighters go in to get me. They smashed in my nursery window and found me, in a room filled with smoke and flames coming through my nursery door. I was laying in my crib screaming and crying a helpless newborn. My Mom to this day apologizes to me and said that she “Had too many kids” being the littlest I got the brunt of everything. There has been word that my Mom tried to kill me that day..But I am still here.
As a child I was traumatized in many ways and by many people, I was sexually abused, neglected, tortured and even starved. I was taken away from my parents after the fire and lived with my Grandma until I was 2. Then sadly I was given back. My parents divorced and split custody of my siblings and I. When I was with either parent I was doomed, they both were evil. After a weekend of torture from my Father I was taken to Mc Donald’s on the way home. My Mom used to starve me and when I ate it was off a wall, floor or out of a garbage can many times. I used to keep most of my happy meal from my visit with my Father in my room for DAYS, knowing it would be the only food I would be assured I would have. I was about 4 or 5 years old sitting in my bedroom wishing I was a grown up so I could get away from the evilness that consumed my tiny soul. I got it from Family, from Teachers, from neighbors, and from babysitters. The things I have been through could make one have PTSD if they didn’t already. As much as what I encountered was horrific as a child, I didn’t know it was wrong.
I wouldn’t change my past because I am a kinder person because of what I went through. When I should have perished in that fire I was given 37 more years to live. I see the World from a different point of view because of having PTSD. I have compassion for a homeless man sitting with a sign begging for food..because I have felt hunger. I have silently held others while they cried…because I have felt pain. There are so many different aspects of my life that stem from my traumas that have made me who I am today and I am thankful for them. I want to take my pain and turn in it to good, I am still here for a reason and raising awareness for PTSD is that reason. To be a voice to help others, to let them know they are not alone. To speak out about my battle with PTSD to help stop the stigma to help future generations from hiding in shame. PTSD is what was DONE TO YOU. You did nothing to cause it, never be ashamed of having PTSD you are not alone. You are still here for a reason..Let your voice be heard.
*Please note: I have referred to my parents as Mother and Father. But they aren’t deserving of that title. Because being a parent means to love and protect your child.
Thanks for reading, LJ