**Warning May Not Be Suitable For Some Viewers**
I am a very honest writer, but I think this blog is going to be as real as I can get. I am a Christian with Complex PTSD, and I STILL love and believe in the Lord! It is no secret my past is filled with various forms of trauma, I was sexually abused, I was almost kidnapped, I was tortured, neglected, I witnessed my brother dying before me several times before he succeeded in 2002. My Grandma was my life, she loved and nurtured me until she passed away in 2015. She would bring my sister and I to Sunday School where we would sing in the children’s choir..Then we would be dropped back to our house of trauma. My Grandma never knew, we all hide it well from her. At a young age it’s hard to know whats normal or not when you see your parents doing something right? My Mom would have sex in front of my siblings and I, At 6 I sadly thought that was normal. I didn’t know what it was called so my siblings and I called it “Oh baby” cause that’s what my Mom used to yell. Too which, now I know is called SEX.
I have always had a fear of men because I was sexually molested by various people including my pediatrician in front of my Mom at a VERY young age. I wanted to be with men but was terrified. After 9/11 and just another trauma my brain snapped. I gave up I just was so far gone I wanted to be normal, I was 23 when I lost my virginity. I was tired of playing normal for my friends I wanted to FEEL normal. I became very promiscuous and made sure it was known to others. I wanted people to know I was “normal” and I could do what they could too despite my sexual fears from trauma. I ended up moving to North Carolina after 9/11 with a “friend” to be a housemate and get a fresh new start and try and be “normal”. I had all my furniture taken from New York to NC to become a roommate in a beautiful new house in NC. But those were not the plans HE had, I became his sex slaved and belittled beyond words for a little more than a month. Then my brother died. I was restricted from contacting my family but my Brothers death opened the door for me to communicate with family. I was able to plan my escape. I feel at times like my brother died to save me, we were always in tune mentally. If he did or not with intention he did SAVE ME! I had executed my escape plan and it worked, I was home back in NY. I went into hiding and even moved so the psycho wouldn’t try to come to NY to get me.
I was heavily mourning the death of my brother, and still badly shaken from my NC ordeal. I ended up getting a dog and moving to my Grandmas house. Another page in the chapter of my life was turned. My Grandma started to instill faith into me, she was my rock and just what I needed. I wanted to start over AGAIN but in a healthy way. I went to the Doctor to make sure I was STD free so I could live my life..born again. I had been through so much sexual trauma I didn’t know what to expect. Just months after my brother died my test results came back..I had hepatitis C. I didn’t want to tell my family I would be the next to die as they were mourning the loss of my brother. I didn’t know what to do, so I prayed. I told the Lord if he would take away the hepatitis C I would give my life to him and accept Jesus. In 2002 he heard my prayer. I was HEALED after blood tests every 6 months for 3 years my gastroenterologist said to me “it must be an act of God” because there was NO trace of hepatitis c in me..even to this day. I truly believe after that healing from anything is possible with help from the Lord.
I do believe back in January 2016 I was HEALED of PTSD not just in “remission” but I reclaimed the PTSD and even wrote about how I missed it. They say to watch your words for a reason, I feel like I brought the PTSD back onto myself with my own words. This may surprise many but I went to School for Evangelism, I do know the power words have as stated in the bible. Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” I think we need to watch what we speak and speak healing into existence when it comes to PTSD..For the power of life and death ARE in the tongue. I have learned through my lessons in life that no matter what the Lord is with you and CAN heal you. You are never truly walking alone…
2 Corinthians 5:7 “For we walk by faith, not by sight”
I am a Christian, but I am not perfect. “Church is a Hospital for sinners not a place for saints” The only perfect Christian there was was Jesus. I love the Lord but I am ME. It is hard sometimes because we get wrapped up in the ways of the World but there is something greater than us above that can make your healing possible. If you would like to feel free to contact me for prayer, questions, etc.. on twitter at @ljastoria