I have finally landed at the bottom of my downward spiral. How have I come this far in treatment and regressed in my progress so severely? I look at all my former blogs, diaries, etc.. I get jealous of that person she had hope. Five months ago life with PTSD was completely different for me. I was “FREE”…”HEALED”..life was PERFECT! As of January I have realized how far downward I have spiraled. It is all part of the battle of PTSD, the ups and downs..It is a roller coaster. Today reality set and I wondered where I went wrong? Life with PTSD is a battle there is no denying that. I felt like by the month of June I was back to square one, even after being off ALL medications back in February. It seems I have forgotten how to live, everything I learned in therapy was consumed by the dark cloud of my PTSD symptoms. I experienced a glimpse of life without PTSD for 3 months and was told I was healed..just to find out my Complex PTSD went into remission.
I think this blog is an important reminder that “When you are at the bottom all you can do is go up”. So I am thankful I hit it, thankful I am learning this lesson..to share it with you. I want to take my experiences and share all I have because you who are reading this..YOU MATTER! And I am writing this for you! I will take the brunt of pain in order to help you. When I first had this amazing opportunity with #PTSDchat it was to use my voice to help others HEAL..and I have gotten off track with that and I apologize. I want to raise awareness for PTSD and I will, but I think I need to stick with the goal I came to this organization to do help others heal. This isn’t about ME it’s about YOU! I have 30 something years of PTSD knowledge under my belt, to some it’s new. I don’t want someone to read a blog about me having a bad day or feeling hopeless. I want to make a difference and I need to make sure that whenever I hit the bottom that I don’t take all the faithful readers with me. If you are at the bottom right now..together we can build ourselves back UP. You can email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org if you think you are in this battle alone you are NOT and you can connect with me, and I will be there with you.
I did a previous blog to “Help heal yourself by thinking like a therapist” That to me was my favorite because it is a way of helping yourself heal in between therapy sessions. There are many PTSD workbooks that can help you. For my healing I have found comfort in therapists and many others. But I think the most influential person I have come across in my journey is Bessel Van Der Kolk the top trauma therapist in the WORLD! I want to get to the root of understanding trauma so I know how to heal it. So this evening I picked up one of the best sellers by Dr. Van Der Kolk called “The body keeps score” which has changed the lives of many.
Here is a summary for the book:
A pioneering researcher and one of the world’s foremost experts on traumatic stress offers a bold new paradigm for healing
Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Such experiences inevitably leave traces on minds, emotions, and even on biology. Sadly, trauma sufferers frequently pass on their stress to their partners and children.
Renowned trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score , he transforms our understanding of traumatic stress, revealing how it literally rearranges the brain’s wiring–specifically areas dedicated to pleasure, engagement, control, and trust. He shows how these areas can be reactivated through innovative treatments including neurofeedback, mindfulness techniques, play, yoga, and other therapies. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score offers proven alternatives to drugs and talk therapy–and a way to reclaim lives.
My future goal is to become a Therapist specializing in Trauma. I may not have all the answers right now but I will be there with you all seeking them and sharing what I find. I will do an upcoming post about this book so I can share what I have learned with you all. As bad as you feel at the moment, every day is a NEW day. Tomorrow can be completely different so hold tight and stay strong!