I try to keep my shit together, but I am busting apart at the seams. 2016 is the year of “breakdowns” for me. Life just gets SO overwhelming! I try to be the best person I can be, but YES I breakdown. June 2016 was the month of Hell for me, don’t know why but I couldn’t get my shit together. I went to my Psychiatrist on Thursday shaking and having panic attacks in her presence. She tried to convince me to go for inpatient treatment and honestly I should have. She said she wanted aggressive treatment to help me…and keep me alive. After a script for 3 sedatives a day and a high dose of Zyprexa she sent me on my way. I could say and never look back…but I did. As a Mom I can’t even fathom the idea of going back into the Psychiatric Hospital but I knew I needed too. I have done that before, my kids have seen me in there. I am trying to HEAL myself and NOT damage my children in the progress. I have had 2 stays a Psychiatric hospital in the past 2 years.
I was put back on Zyprexa..of all the countless meds I have been on my favorite for sure. With a sane mind comes a price..it’s called weight gain. I have to sacrifice the health of my body to save my brain. I am so tired of the battles of mental illnesses they FUCKIN suck! It’s a draining battle between Complex PTSD and severe OCD. I obsessively think about my PTSD symptoms. I am like a hamster on a wheel that keeps spinning and spinning and SPINNING. I try not to lose my shit, but I do. I often look at others and wonder what their lives are like..how they go about their day and if they battle like I do. The thing with being mentally ill is you can’t look at someone and know what they are battling.
Sometimes I wish I could go to a treatment facility to clear my head and get the help I need, but as a Mom my kids come first. Being mentally ill and a Mother is very draining. I try to be the best Mom I can be while battling everything in my brain. I don’t want my kids to look back and remember me being mentally messed up, I am so afraid I will damage my kids. My goal and hope is that by using my voice today I can help FUTURE generations be free from the shame and stigma. I am so tired of this battle, but somehow every day God gives me the strength I need so I am thankful for that.