Who I am

I was born in 1978 the youngest of 5 siblings, and child of 2 dysfunctional parents. Shortly after I was born the house my family lived in went on fire by “accident”. Everyone safely got out of the house. But, When the fire dept asked in anyone was still in the house and my Mom said NO. My grandma pulled up saw the fire and rest of my siblings outside but asked where I was my mom said”She couldn’t remember where she put me.” My grandma told the firemen I was still in the house they broke through my window, where I was laying in my crib crying in a room full of smoke. After that I was given to my grandma while my siblings went to family on the other side because our parents were neglecting us. My Mom went missing for 2 years into a psychiatric hospital and I have no clue where my dad was, that whole time line never gets discussed in my family.

I was raised by my grandma until I was 2 years old than sadly given back to my mother, my parents had since divorced during  the time I was in her care. My grandma was the ONLY person that gave me love, stability,manners and great memories..In 2015 my heart shattered when she passed away alone in a nursing home in NY. Growing up the youngest of  5 was tough, I seemed to get the brunt of everything. To this day my Mom says she was sorry she had me, and that she had too many kids. From as age 4  I was molested by various family, neighbors, and even  by my pediatrician in front of my mom. Both of my parents were batshit crazy so even when my Mom had primary custody I still went to my dads on weekends. With my Mom I was starved and neglected, she did want she wanted and didn’t care if we saw or heard. She would have sex in front of us. She never made us go to school and we were always being investigated by the school as to why we were always absent. I secretly hoped I would be taken away because it was torture living in such dysfunction. I always wore rags and I was always being sent home from school when I got to go because we always had head lice. The only reason I like going to school was because I knew I was going to get a meal. There were times so bad at my house that I was cry from hunger and my older brother would go find stuff in the garbage can to feed me. I have eaten food out of a garbage, of the floor and even off a wall. Hence the reason I have severe OCD food contamination issues as an adult. When I went to my dads he was more torturous and would make my siblings watch graphic horror movies and porn. During horror movies he would grab me by the neck and force me to watch graphic scenes as he laughed like the devil. A lot of my intrusive thoughts began at the age of 4 when he would expose me to violent images. He tried to choke my brother to death in front of me. He would make his dogs attack me, anything evil he could do, he would. After we would have a tortorous weekend with him he would always bring us to Mc Donalds on the way home which made all the torture worth it because I knew I had food. I would keep my happy meal in my room for up to a week at a time so I knew if I was hungry there was something for me to eat.

In 1st grade I had my first panic attack, I went into the bathroom in the classroom and closed the door. I panicked and started banging on the door screaming for help, I heard the screeching of desk chairs as my classmates and teacher came to my aide. Going to school was always traumatizing for me because I would get made fun of, just to be tortured at home too. In 2nd grade my teacher left the room to get something down the hall. I was in the classrooms with my classmates and I began to have a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe I ran to the door called for the teacher but she didn’t hear me. I collapsed on the floor crying, shaking and begging someone to get the nurse. Everyone just stared at me. Finally the teacher came back in the room and told everyone to get back in their seats including me. She said what I did was “cry wolf” and she told everybody the story of “the little boy that cried wolf”I was humiliated!! That day I accepted that what was happening to me was not normal, so I hid it and ALL my symptoms of PTSD from then on. I went to school until I was 16 then dropped out because I couldn’t take the bully’s anymore everything I did they made fun of. They even told me to commit suicide because I was so ugly nobody would ever love me. I tried commit suicide several ways from age 12-16 but I was never successful.

Things got better when I left school and I got my first job at 16, I still had been horrifically tortured by my brain, I hid it since I was 4 years old so I kept it tucked so I wasn’t a freak. I started working at an ice cream shop straight away after dropping out of school. During my teen years I had padlocks on my bedroom door because my brothers started using heroin and they would steal and sell whatever I had, which was not much. Suffering inside with all the symptoms of PTSD and depression I still kept all those secrets of intrusive thoughts and flashbacks inside of me.  I have had various traumas too many to mention but the worst time of my life was when 9/11 hit. A few weeks before my brothers best friend died from an overdose, he was like a brother to me. Then 9/11 happened. 9/11 was very traumatic for me as it was for many. I felt like I was going to snap. A friend in north carolina had asked to move in as a roomate in a really nice 3 bedroom house he bought to help me escape the trauma.. I gladly left I had to get out of NY I couldn’t shake the images I saw from the site, spotlights on the site, the smoke coming from the site and the sound planes hovering overhead trying to keep my city safe.

My male friend and I got to NC I felt a sigh of relief I was away from the trauma and candlelight vigils on every corner. When I had gone into my room for the first night in my new place my friend asked me where I was going. It became clear I was not going to be a roommate. I was raped and tortured by this asshole for almost 2 months. He did everything he could to break me down even making me holding his hand when he went to the bathroom. I didn’t have a cell phone I couldn’t call anyone for help I was trapped. One night as I was sitting with the psycho his phone rang, it was my Mom. My brother Danny had killed himself. Stuck in one nightmare and brought into another one I went in the bathroom and had a panic attack, I was so close with my brother he is the only one that understood me mentally and now he was gone. My brother had moved to florida right before he died so we had to go down there to the funeral. In shock and totally detached I became numb and went with the flow. I was so sick from knowing I would have to say goodbye to my brother and see my dad, its been years. The sick evil bastard “My dad” actually kept what my brother used to kill himself with. After the funeral on the way back to NC I hatched a plan with my mom to get me away from the psycho friend without him being there. While I waited to be rescued I was subjected to more disturbing events, the psycho I was staying with made me watch videos and look at pictures of how my brother had killed himself. When I had mentioned leaving I had a gun down my throat, I was either going to get away or die trying I couldn’t take the torture and pain he made me endure. My family dropped me in NC and went back to NY but my oldest brother came and got me when psycho was at work..I was on my way to ny and I was FREE finally. When I got back home to NY I had to go into hiding because he said if I left him he would “snap” so I had to hide my car at other peoples houses and I stayed in hiding in my moms apartment for about 2 months. But I was and I still am always looking over my shoulder.

After my brother Danny died I felt like my brain snapped. I ended up in a hospital in NY for being suicidal. They diagnosed me with OCD and depression and sent me on my way with a script for paxil. I still never felt right but I kept hiding it. I spent most of my 20’s being a hermit only going out to work and back. I began to socialize in chats on my phone and thats how I meet my husband in 2006. We ran away to Oklahoma in 2007 and got married, shortly after we were married I got a spider bit and an er doc gave me meds to kill the toxins but they didn’t check if I was pregnant so the medicine killed my baby and I had to have a d&c. We tried for another baby and in January 2009 I had my son Colin. A week before I was about to give birth my mom called me and told me my oldest brother was found dead from an overdose in a hotel room by my brother Jeffrey. I had to be numb about his death because I was about to give birth, time went on in Sept 2011 I had Jacob. I kept hiding my disorders, even from my husband. IN 2014 I finally came clean to my husband about my symptoms.If it not had been for laureate I don’t think I would ever got diagnosed properly or get the care I desperately needed. In 2014 I was diagnosed with complex ptsd, depression and severe ocd.I have been getting treatment at laureate ever since. I entered the IOP as suggested by my psychiatrist dr Y.  I have been through many therapists and medication but since I have been in IOP it has given me hope and I finally feel like I am getting the treatment I needed.

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