As I was listening to songs on youtube a song suggestion came up. I have heard the name of the song but never actually listened to it..When I did broke down. The song is called “Alyssa lies” by John Michael Carroll. It is a song about a little girl named Alyssa that is being abused at home and is based on a true story. Everyone thought she was lying even the Teachers despite the proof of her bruises. She was crying for help, but that help came to late.
The song hit me hard because from the first day I started School I had obvious signs of abuse and neglect my sister did too. My sister went to the nurse in 3rd grade and showed the nurse a mark on her neck. When the nurse asked how she got it she told them the truth. My Mom had burnt her with a cigarette as a form of punishment. When they called she said she was just picking at a scab from a bad mosquito bite. The case was dismissed. I remember the day my sister got home from School that day. My Mom verbally bashed my sister calling her every name she could think of.
I always had issues in School since I started because there was so much trauma I was exposed too. I remember in 1st grade when I started PE and the Teacher was a male I was terrified! I thought because he was a male he was going to molest me. I did everything I could to get out of PE from self harming to being curled up frozen in fear every time I entered the gym. Why?..Years prior to this I started being molested by 3 people. Yes as sickening as it sounds at 4 years old I was an object of neglect and sexual gratification. In 1st grade I experienced my first panic attack when it was almost PE time. I went into the bathroom and had my freaked out. I heard the screeching of chairs as fellow students and my Teacher came to my aide. That incident was overlooked. I wasn’t asked WHY that had happened, even if they did I wouldn’t think to tell them I was being molested. I thought it was “normal” because it was done by adults..even by Pediatrician in front of my Mom.
2nd Grade is where the song “Alyssa lies” hits me sooooooo HARD. After years of sexual abuse, neglect and dysfunction taking a toll on me I had a severe panic attack during class. The Teacher left the classroom to get something. I ran to the door and looked down the hall, she was out of sight. I started shaking like a leaf and couldn’t breathe all my classmates gathered around me as I laid on the floor grabbing on to arms and legs of my classmates BEGGING and crying for them to the nurse because I told them I was dying. Just then the Teacher came in and told the students to go back to their seats. I was sitting on the floor crying and shaking. When I saw my Teacher a sense of relief came over me. I grabbed onto my Teachers arm waiting for her to help me..But she didn’t. She told me to get off the floor and return to my seat. Waiting to see what she what she was going to do next I sat in my chair. Thinking she was going to help me by asking what caused my panic or comfort me. She went to the front of the classroom stood there in silence a few seconds. She pointed to me and said to the class “I think it’s time I tell everyone about the story of The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf”.
My heart sank. The Teacher told everyone I was being a liar and when something DID happen to me nobody would believe me. At that time I didn’t realize I had Complex PTSD, this was back in the ’80’s and I was just be a “pathological liar” from that moment I hid everything that was happening at home and in my head. The torment and jokes about me occurred everyday from that day forward. One day in 3rd grade a boy I liked turned to me and said to me “You are so ugly you should just kill yourself”. I wasn’t sure what or how to kill myself or I would have. I was bullied for my snacks and school lunches. Little did anyone know that that was the only time I ate. At home my “Mom” had me eat food off the floor, the wall and even from garbage cans.
I get upset because I wonder how many Teachers are overlooking the signs of abuse in children everyday around the World. I WAS Alyssa..but I had survived by suffering in silence. I cannot even begin to explain the evil I endured during my childhood. Living since age 4 with PTSD symptoms. I thought well, maybe everyone has horrific images (intrusive thoughts), etc.. So I hid it. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until 2014 when I broke down to my Husband and told him everything I suffered with and hid since I was a child. I still live with a tortured brain even with all the meds and treatments I have done for years. The last therapist in 2016 was convinced I was “demon possessed” and was in my face screaming that I was not LJ that I was a demon. Even rubbing anointing oil ALL over me and her office. That was the day I said FUCK therapy.
I will never escape my tortured brain..during the day I take my medications and continue to fight my Complex PTSD symptoms, but sleep is also dreaded because I have vivid nightmares. Living with PTSD is a full time job. In 2014 I saw a Psychiatrist and she said from reading my notes from the therapist that the fact that I was alive was a true testament to my strength and she has never encountered so much trauma and lived to tell about it. I am thankful despite my disorder that I am alive..2 of my brothers couldn’t shake the childhood trauma. I had 3 brothers now I have 1. 2 of my brother killed themselves..one in 2002, the other in 2009. My last remaining brother lives with PTSD and tries his best to fight for his life. Between suicide attempts and drugs I am not sure how long I will have him. My sister lives her days as if nothing is wrong and said her “PTSD is gone” but she broke down to me on the phone 3 weeks ago with memories of being tied to her bed and tortured among other things that happened.
I know this blog piece turned out to be a novel, but it has been months since I have written. People need to know that PTSD is also NON military..for those with non military PTSD getting help doesn’t come easy like it does for vets. I am so in debt from therapy, psychiatry and inpatient hospitals stays I have a lawsuit I pay monthly because paying $10 a month was not suitable for them. I also have medical bills from side effects of medications. I know so many like me are in the same boat. Hopefully one day there will be a place for us civilians with PTSD to turn too. Awareness matters!! If I would have known that PTSD could be non military I could have received help sooner.
Thanks for reading,